Marital Conflict, Attitudes and  Interventions

The effects of unresolved marital conflict are the result of countless negative attitudes and misconceptions about marriage. A study was done at the University of Michigan to specify things that men do to upset women and in contrast those things that upset men; the study found that the answers received could be grouped into 147 distinct courses of conflict (Miller, Perlman, & Stephens-Brehm, 2009). These unresolved marital conflicts and attitudes can generate various outcomes within the marital relationship. Continuing and ongoing marital conflict eats away at a marriage's foundation which could lead to escalating and more severe arguments, problems with intimacy, infidelity and in some cases divorce. The bottom line or primary cause of marital difficulty is that marriage partners devalue and have allowed the flames of love to grow cold for one another. Couples are deceived into believing that after the wedding vows that nothing more is required. But in order to sustaiin that marriage there must be continual nurturing and marital maintenance. Couples need to continue to nurture the relationship and find ways to make that relationship new and fresh every day (Worthington, 2005).  

According to Miller (2009), these attitudes in marriage are influenced by such issues as socioeconomic development. There is a more general trend for a society to harbor more single people, tolerate more divorces and support a later age of marriage the more industrialized and affluent it becomes. Education and financial resources allow people to be more independent and when both parties are working long hours outside of the home there is not much time to devote to a committed relationship. According to Miller, Perlman and Stephens-Brehm (2009), cohabitation seems to be more popular these days; people routinely live together as a first option. Cohabitation was very rare in the sixties with only 5% of the adult population ever living in this fashion. Cohabitation makes divorce more likely in the long run. Just as easily as their needs were met in one another in the beginning the lack of these same needs create what is referred to as the dark side of a relationship (Miller, Perlman and Stephens-Brehm). What is presented in the media has immense influence on society’s behavior and attitudes towards marriage and relational values. From the Hollywood perspective, marriage is presented as binding only until something better comes along. The whole of the blame cannot be placed at the feet of Hollywood; there appear to be this deep neediness and acceptance of anything at any cost in the hearts of people. The heart is saying, "I would love to be in a healthy committed relationship leading to marriage but if all you can offer is cohabitation then that is what I will accept". Cohabitation is presented as being exciting but it is devoid of any true commitment. 

We are taught that if something within the marriage is not working to look for better options. Commitment, obligation and dedication are no longer the western civilization's banner. There seems to be a great devaluing of one's spouse and seemingly an avoidance type mentality within some homes. Rather than deal with the difficulties that transpire in marital relationships people seem to cater more to just remaining single; thus, being able to cohabitate and be able to depart at will. Probably the most significant reason for these negative attitudes towards marriage is the  lack of understanding concerning God's love, how He values His creation as well as His commitment to His creation. It seems easier to settle for anything and everything less than God's intent. It is through understanding our relationship with God that we also understand this union of marriage. God's relationship towards his people is that of committed love and faithfulness. Understanding this example and duplicating it within the home is foundational, but when this is lacking this is where the conflict begins.  

Possibly, this is why people have a difficult time believing God to be faithful, a caring listener, and loving because of what is transpiring and lacking within personal marital relationships. Marriage is a divine institution which is based on love, commitment and progresses through faith. This understanding of God should assist in understanding God's faithfulness, commitment and love within the marital relationship. these uncommitted, temporary relationships exploited throughout the media send a clear picture that marriage is no longer the mainstay but only an option. These tainted and uncommitted relationships allow for either party within the relationship to easily depart. It is apparent that as a society there is no conviction regarding marital accountability or responsibility, but everyone simply does what is right in their own eyes (Deuteronomy 12:8).   

Blessings,  

Pastor Ken